i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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