I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
