Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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