you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
