If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
another moral hangover. fuck.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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