I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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