Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
