she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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