and you said cock pushups were impossible
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
