I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
