My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
