dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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