i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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