What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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