I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
