I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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