I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
