Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's on the porch naked. Help.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
