i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
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The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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