I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
