I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
