i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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