I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
