PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
