Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
false alarm, still single
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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