Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
MIDGETS
????
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
