It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
