I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
