I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
