Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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