i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
