TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
