eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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