Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
