Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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