My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
