i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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