i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
This house was built for laser tag.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
