You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
