Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
