But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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