Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
