Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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