Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
