Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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