Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
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We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
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I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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