I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The power of my boobs compel you
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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