If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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