I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
