The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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