I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
