I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
