i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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