I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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