i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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