I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
