Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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