I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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