i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
